motherhood

  • When Life Changes… and You’re Not in Control Anymore

    It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write.

    Not because I didn’t have anything to say…
    But because life has been shifting in ways I didn’t fully know how to put into words.

    Lately, our family has gone through a big change.

    My husband stepped into a stay-at-home role.

    And while that might sound simple on the outside…
    It hasn’t felt simple on the inside.

    At first, I thought this change would feel like relief.

    More help.
    More balance.
    More space for me to focus on work.

    But instead, what came up for me was something I didn’t expect…

    A loss of control.

    I didn’t realize how much of my identity was tied to being the one who managed everything at home.

    The routines.
    The meals.
    The way things were done.

    And suddenly… I wasn’t the one holding all of that anymore.

    There were moments where I caught myself thinking:

    “That’s not how I would do it.”
    “Why isn’t this done yet?”
    “It would just be easier if I did it myself.”

    And underneath all of that…

    Was discomfort.

    Not because anything was wrong.
    But because it was different.

    Letting go of control sounds nice in theory.

    But in real life?

    It feels messy.

    It feels uncomfortable.
    It feels like sitting in the unknown… without reaching in to fix it.

    What I’ve been learning is this:

    Just because something is done differently…
    Doesn’t mean it’s done wrong.

    My husband shows up for our kids in his own way.
    He creates his own rhythm with them.
    And they are loved, cared for, and safe.

    That’s what actually matters.

    I’m also realizing that control isn’t always about things being “right.”

    Sometimes it’s about feeling safe.

    And when things change… even good things…
    It can shake that sense of safety a little.

    So instead of trying to control everything…

    I’ve been practicing something else:

    Trust.

    Trusting him.
    Trusting our family.
    Trusting that things don’t have to look the way I imagined to still work.

    And maybe the biggest shift of all…

    Letting go of the idea that I have to carry everything on my own.

    If you’re in a season where life looks different than you expected…

    Where roles are shifting…
    Where things feel a little unfamiliar…

    You’re not alone.

    Growth doesn’t always feel exciting.

    Sometimes it just feels uncomfortable.

    But that doesn’t mean it isn’t exactly what you need.

    Maybe things aren’t falling apart…
    Maybe they’re just falling into a new kind of place.

  • When I Let Go of the To-Do List, I Found My Kids Again

    Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m holding up the entire house with two tired hands.

    The dishes.
    The laundry.
    The meals.
    The kids’ emotions.
    My own emotions.
    The invisible checklist that loops through my mind from morning to night.

    And recently, something in me whispered: This isn’t sustainable.

    The weight I’ve been carrying—physically, emotionally, mentally—has felt heavier than ever. Especially with my husband checked out lately, glued to the TV, barely present with the kids. I know he’s struggling too—he’s said it’s depression from losing his job—but knowing that doesn’t make it easier when I feel like I’m parenting alone.

    I’ve tried to push through.
    Tried to be efficient.
    Tried to manage everyone and everything like I’m some kind of machine.

    But I’m not.
    And I don’t want to be.

    So yesterday… I stopped.

    I didn’t plan on it. But something in me just surrendered. I let the to-do list sit where it was. I let go of trying to be “productive.” I didn’t force myself to multitask or squeeze in extra chores while my kids played.

    I played with them.
    Fully.
    Presently.
    Joyfully.

    And something wild happened… I felt alive again.

    I had fun. Real fun—not that fake, “I’m-smiling-but-thinking-about-dinner” kind of fun. I laughed. I chased them. I watched their faces light up and realized how long it’s been since I truly joined in their world.

    And the to-do list?
    It still got done.
    Not all at once. Not on a strict timeline. But enough.

    I’ve been noticing this pattern in myself: the more I resist what’s happening, the more I try to control everything around me. And when I do that, I feel more stressed, more reactive, more exhausted. But when I pause… when I breathe… when I accept what’s in front of me and meet it with presence—something shifts.

    There’s more peace.
    More grace.
    More room for me and the kids to just be.

    And while I still feel that familiar tug toward “getting everything done,” I’m learning that presence is productivity too.
    That being with my children, fully, is not a break from my job—it is the most important part of my job.

    So today, I’m choosing that again.
    Even if it’s messy.
    Even if the laundry piles up.
    Even if dinner is just chicken nuggets and cut-up fruit.

    I’m choosing presence over perfection.
    Connection over control.
    And joy—real joy—over just making it through the day.

    1. Letting the to-do list go (just for a little while)
      I didn’t abandon responsibility—I just pressed pause. I reminded myself that the dishes could wait, the laundry would still be there later, and that I could trust time to stretch a little if I chose to be present now. Releasing that inner urgency made space for joy.
    2. Breathing before reacting
      When I noticed overwhelm or frustration bubbling up, I put my hand on my chest and just took a slow, deep breath. It didn’t fix everything, but it gave me a pause—a window where I could respond gently instead of snapping or zoning out. That breath anchored me to now.
    3. Saying yes to play
      Instead of trying to get the kids to “go play” so I could do something else, I stepped into their world. Even five minutes of full-body, full-heart play shifted the energy in our home. It reminded me that joy is right here when I choose to engage in it.

    You’re Not Alone

    If you’re a mom feeling overwhelmed, like you’re constantly doing everything for everyone else—please know this: you are not failing. You’re just carrying too much. And sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is let something go and be right here, just for a moment.

    You deserve joy too.

    Let the house be a little messy. Let the list wait. Let your heart rest in the giggles, the sunshine, the tiny hands pulling you into their world.

    It’s not perfect. It’s presence.
    And that’s more than enough. 💛