This past weekend, something shifted.
On Saturday night, we had friends over to play Pandemic. I had bought a bunch of junk food for everyone to enjoy — chips, candy, cakes, you name it. I also picked up some fruit for myself, thinking I’d stick to that while everyone else snacked.
But after dinner, I found myself slipping into that familiar binge mode. The pub mix we had was insanely good, and I kept going back for more. Usually, this is where everything unravels for me. I hit a point where I just stop caring and start eating whatever’s around — sugar, candy, cakes — and it turns into a full-blown binge spiral.
But this time was different.
Instead of punishing myself or saying “screw it,” I forgave myself. I noticed the behavior, but I didn’t shame myself for it. I reminded myself that it was okay. I didn’t need to spiral. I had the rice cakes and fruit I originally planned on, and I didn’t even end up eating any sugar.
That was new.
Then Sunday hit, and I was exhausted. I stayed up late the night before, and Ashlyn (my daughter) woke up three times during the night. I was running on fumes, and early in the day my body started crying out for comfort food.
I listened. I ate when I was hungry and made nourishing choices — not perfect, but mindful.
After lunch, the tiredness deepened, and so did the cravings. I found myself back on the couch with the pub mix, snacking again. But then — again — I hit a familiar mental fork in the road. That voice whispered, “You might as well eat the cakes. You already blew it.”
But I didn’t fall for it.
I paused. I asked myself, “Do I actually want to feel like crap the rest of the day?” And honestly, I didn’t. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to break the cycle.
So I did. I forgave myself again. I reminded myself it was okay to have eaten more than I planned. It didn’t mean I had to throw away the rest of the day. I stayed connected to myself. I ate mindfully. I didn’t touch the sugar. And for me, that was a big win.
This is What It Looks Like to Collapse the Old Timeline
Lately, I’ve been shifting into a timeline where I have a healthy relationship with food — where I trust myself, nourish my body, and live at a natural, healthy weight.
I’m not bingeing like I used to. I’m not weighing myself because I know that stepping on that scale pulls me right back into control mode. It makes me want to restrict, and restricting leads me right back to bingeing.
I don’t want that anymore.
So I’m choosing something different. Every day. Every moment.
I’m choosing to trust the process.
I’m choosing to eat based on how I feel, not how much I want to weigh.
I’m choosing to lean into healthier food because it makes me feel more alive — not because I’m trying to punish myself.
And yes, sometimes I eat snacks that aren’t “ideal.” But the difference now is this:
I forgive myself immediately. I don’t spiral. I don’t abandon myself.
That’s not weakness. That’s growth. That’s power.
For Anyone Struggling With the Same Pattern:
Here’s what I’m learning — and what might help you too:
- It’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up for yourself again and again.
- Binge urges are not moral failings. They’re often signals that your nervous system is overloaded, your body is undernourished, or your heart is craving relief.
- You can overeat and still choose to return to yourself. You don’t have to throw the day away.
- Self-forgiveness is the antidote to the binge cycle.
- Presence is power. Even when it’s messy. Especially when it’s messy.
You are allowed to make a different choice at any point. Even after the handful of chips. Even after the second round. Even after the cake.
Every moment is a doorway back to yourself.
And when you walk through that doorway, again and again, you start to collapse the old timeline.
And you begin to live in the one where you are free.
I’m not perfect, but I’m present. And that’s everything.
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